Defaultgod's blog

death

I removed me from myself

put him in a box which went in a shelf

in a house so old it broke by itself 

as he died inside there was no cry for help

unexpecting he lay in the heat of may

dreaming in the bliss of yesterday

he died without knowing what took him away

like always he took a breath and about to preach

he stops cause there's to much to say about all the things not in reach

The pause he took each time in this vague moment of thought

I wish he knew this is how death is ought.

Birdie Hop -Syd

Birdie hop, he do,
He hop along
A lonely bird upon
A window there, he, he
There he blow
A windy snow, he knew the snow
I know the snow, a hoppy bird

The antelope ride around the parasol
Just to see if he's a man enough
To meet you in the sandpit
On a flying kind of sighing
In a meddlesome way
You know the way
I see the flies 

She's a little kite, the sort you think you might
Like to fly 'er and like a kite
You get to see her every night
You know the way 

She's only paving her way
Hectachrome plane
I see the flies 

Birdie hop, he do, he hop along
A lonely bird upon
A window there, he, he,
There he blow, the windy snow,
He know the snow, a hoppy bird

A camel woke up to a polish dawn
Wouldn't look to see his feet had gone
He wouldn't like it
Wouldn't have the strength to fight it
I see the flies 

I'm the only bird, a little third,
I lost a quarter, had a yearning 

To be earning just a dollar a day
And in a way you shouldn't like it
Hectachrome plane
I see the flies

jigoku shoujo opening sea3

To the stars that played with the darkness

I sang of love and burned up completely

Lighting the punishment

Scars from claws draw close to the daisy’s dream

Passed from lips to lips

Where’s that warmth going?

Even though it has no place to go

If I’m not with you, I can’t be satisfied

I wouldn’t be able to forgive you if it wasn’t me

So I stood up on my feet

And shuddered

If I get kept with you until death, then I’ll be saved

But how splendid, I’m unlocked

And I’m just like

A crazy little bird that wants the birdcage

Flowers embraced lies

Touch and see through me with cold fingers

But don’t dirty me

If I look back, I’m on a road of thorns

That a single feather burnt onto

If it’s an illusion, then I’ll love the illusion

And I can even throw it away tomorrow

Tell me a reason to fear it

If you were gone, then I wouldn’t be able to live

I chased after the dying night

Because I wanted to let you take

Everything of mine into your arms

But I’m surrounded by silence

In the boisterous room

My regulated, lowly heartbeats

Are counting Heaven’s punishments; I plugged my ears

If I’m not with you, I can’t be satisfied

I wouldn’t be able to forgive you if it wasn’t me

So I stood up on my feet

And shuddered

If I get kept with you until death, then I’ll be saved

But how splendid, I’m unlocked

And I’m just like

A crazy little bird that wants the birdcage

Flowers embraced lies

i wonder if things would...

i wonder if  things would have been different some times......

a tear sheds slowly from an eye and slowly dries off....

This life i choose and the decisions i made were all what i felt at the time  not that i feel very different now

its just when i look back over the years the i indeed know the boy inside of me died as a man grew out from it, cold and in bliss with his loneliness..what have i become is this how it was supposed to be?it disturbed me for a while when i came across the fact that for the past 4 years there has been not one decision i have taken when i was sober in life or about life............... i can never be a hypocrite i will always standby in what i believe in but that boy who had ambitions and dreams somewhere inside i can see him when i close my eyes happy with a smile playing with the puppies without a care.... but the streets,the fight for the meat and the sinful karma along with the breeding hatred that grew into a tree so long that its leaves still wither float with the wind and come right to his face and not one night of restful continuing natural sleep in the past 4 years.........all these  things along with the sense of practicalities created the abomination who just chooses to be lone called "me"........ i remember having dreams of beautiful things and what i would be when i am older and smiling away .............every night as i slept  i thought will i be a scientist or something else and slept away in the bliss of dreams between the numbers and alphabets............. i look at myself today and i see the staleness of my inner spirit and soul  which goes along with the frost of being alone but with the warmth of privacy ............ the question ur usually asked the most as your growing up is "what do you want to be when you grow up ?" even back then i remember standing speechless when asked this....... i have to dreams i have no ambitions  i don't want to be a somebody i would love just to fade away as a nobody.....guess that makes me a bum.....uneducated good at nothing and unemployed ..i may be all this but i wouldn't call myself a loser and the only reason i don't is you cant be a loser if you dint play the game at all in the first place...I wonder if i never broke free and remained in the illusion how where and what would i have been today?

The severed Garden

Wow, I'm sick of doubt
Live in the light of certain
South
Cruel bindings.
The servants have the power
Dog-men and their mean women
Pulling poor blankets over
Our sailors

I'm sick of dour faces
Staring at me from the tv
Tower, I want roses in
My garden bower; dig? 
Royal babies, rubies
Must now replace aborted
Strangers in the mud
These mutants, blood-meal
For the plant that's plowed.

They are waiting to take us into
The severed garden
Do you know how pale and wanton thrillful
Comes death on a strange hour
Unannounced, unplanned for
Like a scaring over-friendly guest you've
Brought to bed
Death makes angels of us all
And gives us wings
Where we had shoulders
Smooth as raven's
Claws

No more money, no more fancy dress
This other kingdom seems by far the best
Until it's other jaw reveals incest
And loose obedience to a vegetable law.

I will not go
Prefer a feast of friends
To the giant family.

confusion pretence loss paranoia

i lost a 1000 bucks....... i have never lost money ........it totally sucked.its the fact that i can lose 1k sitting at home .......i havent got outta my house for like 4-5 days now and its gone........past 4 nights i havent got any sleep.....

i cant stop thinking .......i think i think i think then i think some more i smoke i think nice i think vague....

anxiety is making my hands go wet all the time now..... i get up from my sleep look around crawl to have a smoke and then sit and think... i havent had a bath for a week now .........i cant take it any more .....the reason i had not been writing for a while now is my mind has lost it the frequency of the thoughts per sec has doubled ....... there is nothing specific in the end of the day that  my mind  is focused on except that i wanna run away soon with nothing but a bag not a penny in my pocket ......i wanna walk till where my feet take me and perish........ i dont want to know whats gonna happen tomorrow i dont want a schedule i want everyday to be a new experience ........a few say they would be joining me but they dont have the balls and i know its only gonna be me with myself just the way i like it............ the major question that recurs here is that on a scale, walking away from all of this from the life i have led for 18 years... from my parents and this illusion of studying and landing in a cubical  All this compared to going into the wild forever in search for the reason for being and living off of nature and being in the himalaya's ....its a tough comparison for me to do because i feel that is the only way for true happiness for me ...i havent felt as happy i was over there in life before ... i actually had to hit my own head to make me divert my attention......... leaving all the materialistic things in life behind 

like a phone or internet, my pc ,beds, cars,etc..............just me  a lil bag with a bottle f water my pipe a lighter a knife . that's it!          how do i stand up and make this decision ?    the hardest part to figure is my parents always said "if your happy we are happy" ..........how do i express to them that my true happiness lies in this without hurting them 

or causing any pain......... is it to selfish ? its to vague to go to your parents and tell them that" i am going off to the himalaya's i dont want to live in the comfort and luxury you have always kept me in and worked soo hard all these years to do so and i wont be having a phone so i'll see you when i see you(if i see you) and ya dont worry abt money i will figure somthing""  how can one say this ?? u just cant!!! for some reason that makes me think the only ethical way to do this is running away but like that is going to hurt em or cause a lil less pain.............. i cant live this life of pretence ............ i dont wanna hurt em  i love my folks .............. i donno anymore only thing i am left with is jumping off a clif

back in the my box

away from the lovely hills

in the shity city with notes and bills

away from the coloured peaks of chill

i sit all day n nite with more time to kill

following this path of an illusion which seems only momentarily logical

are all 6 billion of us going to land in a cubical?

so sour so gloomy with all these materialistic craves

o why! why cant i climb the peaks and go listen to the waves

the things known and unknown all that lie between are the doors

we all are like parasites in a giant old apple with a million pores 

i dont know any thing any more this pretence this strife

should i go away or just end this beautiful excuse called life